I slept horribly last night. I awoke at 3:30 and couldn’t fall back to sleep. My head was abuzz with facts and thoughts and images, like I was trying to figure out a big puzzle or something. And too many pieces were missing. I was frustrated. New friends are one of the most joyous gifts in the world and yet every inch of my body is on fire. It’s like a log that burns for hours but never turns to ash. I just want to burn, man. I want to turn to dust. I want to be reborn. I want to be let go and freed. But I’m not there yet.
It’s a strange sensation. When you start circling around with new energy. New people. Inspiring, tiring…I am afire with energy–the fabulous roman candle kind. But all my demons are circling too. Eating at me. Taking bites of my heart. Saying, don’t go any farther… you belong to me.
I listened to old music and new yesterday and it was like Eastward flowing water meets Westward flowing water at an undisclosed point deep within me. Part of me wants to move forward…another part is still stuck back in the trenches of my own failed love.
George came over this afternoon with his friend Martin. He wanted to dump this hideous Fender Rhodes, vintage 60’s classroom-style keyboard on me and take back the little keyboard he gave me years ago–not much of an even exchange if you ask me. So they drag this thing in the house and plug it in and there’s a broken key and only one suspension pedal and the working keys themselves are this weird tinny low sustain type bullshit. So I asked Martin to leave George and I for a moment, and I said to George, I don’t want it. I just want my little keyboard you gave me. It belongs to Dani. Stop trying to convince me the Rhodes is some really great thing. He was so angry. Brought Martin back in, dragged the piano back out and they left.
I actually felt good about what I’d done. Proud that I stood up to him. He took a piece of the drum kit I bought from him a couple months ago and I still haven’t gotten that back yet. Lately he only calls when he needs something and quite frankly, I have no more patience for it. It was one more door closed. And I thought to myself, I’m glad I’m not back there anymore.